Some days, the only thing standing between you and a full fucking mental breakdown is the word “no”, and even that feels impossible. But experts say boundaries at work are the difference between thriving and burning out, raising the question of what they look like for women done with people‑pleasing.

We have all experienced that moment: your boss swings by at 4:59pm with a ‘quick favour’, or someone dumps a ‘could you just take this on?’, when all you want is to go home, lie in bed, and binge rubbish TV until Netflix hits you with its passive aggressive ‘Still watching?’ screen. 

But saying no feels like career suicide, like you’ll be labelled difficult, not a team player, or whatever other bullshit gets thrown at women for daring to have limits.

Louise Thompson, a career and leadership coach who spent years working in communications gets it, she says, “I had no sense of boundaries at work in my 20s starting my career. Absolutely none. I worked myself into the ground. 

“Too many women burn out in their careers because they get into these unhealthy, unsustainable habits and patterns of behaviour and I’m not sure as many men have to constantly think about, am I doing the extra credit work? Should I be volunteering? Should I be positioning myself in this way?”

But if boundaries are so crucial, why do so many women still feel allergic to saying no, and what psychological chaos is driving that reaction?

Dr Beth Whiting is a psychotherapist and member of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy, says many women feel stuck trying to be ‘nice enough’ to be liked and ‘assertive enough’ to be taken seriously, which turns boundary-setting into an uphill battle.

She says: “This conflict of interests has women locked in a lose, lose situation. It can feel as though the two things are diametrically opposed and therefore cannot co-exist so they are left with an impossible choice to make.

“It is hard to be confident when there is a nagging sense of insecurity and confusion about how to show up. This can lead to heightened levels of anxiety and stress and overthinking.”

To help women break the cycle, Dr Whiting points them straight to Brene Brown.

She says: “She is a social scientist from America, her work indicates that being kind and having boundaries are not mutually exclusive but mutually reliant. You cannot sustain kindness and generosity without boundaries. 

“It is only once those boundaries are in place and you can behave and give from an authentic position that kindness becomes something real and sustainable without resentment and burnout.

“I frequently use her maxim ‘clear is kind’, we are not doing others favours when we avoid uncomfortable truths or give away parts of ourselves to meet their needs and neglect our own.”

Mel Goose, 31, works as a Senior Program Manager and honestly, she’s a woman a lot of us could learn from, she’s never been shy about drawing her lines.

She says: “Growing up I watched loved ones stress about work, sacrifice time with family and friends, work during vacations, and go above and beyond only to rarely receive proper recognition or credit. So I knew I wouldn’t let that be me.

“I also landed what I thought was my dream job only to be laid off 4 months later. That taught me to not take work too seriously. We’re all just a number on a spreadsheet.”

Mel says that being firm with her boundaries at work has done absolute wonders for her mental health.

“I have stressful moments, not days. I work in corporate America so nothing I do is a life or death emergency. I used to tell my team we’re not doctors, firefighters or police officers, we don’t save lives. It’ll all work out.”

“Once I understood that I value my time, peace, and career I started working in alignment with that instead of trying to force myself into roles or projects that just weren’t a good fit for me.”

It’s a mindset that can keep us sane in the circus of work chaos that treats every email like a fucking national emergency.

@melgoose_ Overtime I’ve gotten comfortable setting and sticking to my boundaries. Its a muscle that you have to build. #9to5 #corporatelife #corporatetiktok #wfhlife #9to5 #workboundaries #lifestylevlogger #melgoose #fypシ #foryoupage ♬ original sound – mel goose

And that no‑nonsense outlook shows up in how Mel works day‑to‑day, especially when she’s deciding what actually deserves her yes.

She says, “Saying yes to everything can lead to burnout, and can also unfortunately lead senior leaders to think you don’t know what you want because you’re all over the place. 

“It is important to use discernment. Sometimes it may be advantageous to say yes even if the assignment or project tests your boundaries, as long as it doesn’t violate them.”

You can’t be the office doormat, but you also can’t barricade yourself behind a wall of no. A yes should be a choice, not a reflex.

Career coach Thompson fully backs this, reminding us that a well timed green light can be powerful, but saying yes just to keep the peace can fuck you over.

She says, “There might well be times when you decide to stay late and get something done because you know it’s going to be valuable at a crunch time for the business. And you know that’s going to be seen and reflected well on you. But it’s about patterns and habits. 

“You don’t want to do it where it’s taken for granted. ‘Well, oh, Louise will always stay late. We don’t even have to ask her. She’ll do it. She doesn’t mind. So let’s give her all of this extra work’. 

“You do want to be, ‘Oh, Louise, when we’re in a crunch and when the chips are down, Louise is going to be there. You want to be that person.”

So how the hell are you meant to keep our boundaries intact when you’re already at breaking point, or when all you want is one quiet day without someone lobbing extra shit onto your plate?

Thompson says it all comes down to the way you respond.

“If you don’t feel comfortable saying no, what good questions could you ask the person that is asking you for your time that might help both of you actually figure out what’s the best way to do this and is it worth me doing it?

“One of the questions could be: what can you tell me what’s driving that deadline? That is a really good question to ask because then they’ll have to explain to you whether there’s something important driving the deadline or if there isn’t and they just want it off their plate. 

“Then there’s a different conversation perhaps you can have. You might say to the person, ‘I’ve got these priorities, they’ve been set by my manager. I’m very open to supporting you. Can you go and check, have a conversation with my manager and then come back to me?’ So there are ways of doing that without feeling like you have to say no.”

Remember, having boundaries does not make you the office villain, they make sure you don’t end up exhausted, burnt out and googling ‘how to fake your own disappearance’ after one more pointless meeting.

They are what keep you working at your best. The version of you that’s focused, capable, and not running on empty. Boundaries help you be the best version of yourself and deliver the workload you’re built for, not just survive it.

And maybe that’s the real shift: understanding that boundaries aren’t a barrier, they’re a form of self‑respect. 

They’re how women protect their time, their talent and their right to show up in the world without burning out.